


Squips

by BurntGayPotato (orphan_account)



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Abandonment, Angst and Feels, Bisexual Jeremy Heere, Boyf, Crying, Depression, Drugs, Filipino Michael Mell, Gay, Gay Michael Mell, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Light Angst, M/M, Michael Mell Has Two Moms, Mild Gore, Mild Language, Sad Michael, Short Chapters, Suicide Attempt, Trans Michael Mell, Weird Plot Shit, riends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 14:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18523210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/BurntGayPotato
Summary: I’M BORED CAN YOU TELL???? THIS IS GUNNA BE A MULTI CHAPTER ONE AND IMA WORK ON LIKE ONE CHAPTER A DAY HOPEFULLY. THIS WILL BE A LOT OF MICHAEL’S POV VS JEREMY’S, BUT I FIND IT EASIER TO WRITE IN MICHAEL’S SO… YEE. AND BE WARY THIS MAY SEEM LIKE IT HAS VERY LITTLE PLOTLINE BUT IT WILL HAVE A TWIST THAT I'M NOT EVEN SURE IS POSSIBLE BUT THAT'S WHAT FANFICS ARE FOR IG.





	1. Chapter 1

**(MICHAEL'S POV)**

I’ve had bad experiences with Halloween. My best friend (and boyfriend. I’m a transgender male and I'm gay get over it.) Jeremy Heere one time left me alone in the bathroom at a HUGE Halloween party after he called me a loser. So yeah, after spending endless minutes sitting in the bathroom, crying, and asking myself why the hell I’m in love with this guy, I don’t usually like Halloween. (Oh, and this kid Rich set a fire and he burned down the house. That was a field day for the social media girls at school).

Jeremy and I once went to another party and basically left right away after we realized it was at the same house. We usually spend Halloween in the basement playing Apocalypse of the Damned on our beanbags drinking Mtn Dew Red and eating junk food. Honestly though, I’m surprised when this year Jeremy told me to meet him in front of the 7-11 at 7pm on Halloween. I don’t really pay it much attention because we might just be getting slushies. I really do love slushies so that would make sense. 

Anyways I met him at the 7-11 at 7pm like we had agreed and we did in fact pop in and get slushies. However as we sat outside slurping away at the slush delicacies, I started to realize something was off with Jeremy. 

“Hey, Jer-bear, what’s up with you? You’re acting a bit… I dunno… distant.” I say, concerned about my boyfriend. 

“Hmmm? Oh, yeah I suppose… I’m just distracted…”

_ Okay,  _ I think trying to keep my cool.  _ He’s probably just thinking about that one Halloween. _ I try not to wince at the memory. I should say something.

“Jer, look, I'm so sorry about that Halloween okay?” I say

“I mean I should be the one apologizing… you didn't do anything. I did.”

Okay I’ll admit I probably winced just there.

“Let’s just grab some Mtn Dew Red and go play some games. I really would rather forget about… the party.” Mhm. That was smooth.

“Yeah… sure.” Jeremy says. His smile is forced. There’s something he isn’t telling me. “Meet you there.” Okay well I’ll just have to interrogate him while he’s distracted by Mario Kart or something. Once I get home I flop down and wait.

8pm. He’s not here

9pm. Nothing.

10pm. He. Isn't. Here.

**___________________________________________**

He never showed up. He  _ ditched me.  _ On  _ HALLOWEEN. _ Something is VERY WRONG. He would  _ never  _ do that! (Don’t even say it! Okay fine, he’d never do that  _ again… _ ) It’s Saturday now cause I sorta fell asleep at like 11pm because you’d be surprised how easy it is to sleep after crying a lot. Wait what? No I wasn't crying! Okay fine, I was. And I wasn’t eager to spend another Halloween night in tears… (Oh, I wonder if Rich burned something down again too.)

I decide to text Jeremy.

**Message from: riend**

Jer?? Where were you last night??? Did you forget that quickly???

**Message from: boyf**

Erm. 

**Message from: riend**

Jeremy! 

**Message from: riend**

Jeremy?

**Message from: riend**

JErEmY HEeRe

**Message from: riend**

Answer my messages dammit!

Yeah, he stopped replying. Literally my life sucks.

**___________________________________**

 

**(JEREMY'S POV)**

I’m. A. Goddamn. Ass. I DITCHED MICHAEL ON HALLOWEEN!  _ AGAIN. _ Why the HELL did I do that?!?!?! The memories of last night flood back to me when I get this notification on my phone:

**Message from: riend**

Jer?? Where were you last night??? Did you forget that quickly???

I can’t believe it. The one and only night that me ditching him would hurt the most is Halloween. UGH. I need to get to him asap but I really don’t think my presence would be welcome right now. Then a thought hits me that makes me hate myself.  _ Well, he probably doesn’t even love you anymore. _ WHERE THE HELL AM I GETTING THIS ALL?? The only time that the voices in my head were like this was when… 

Oh. My. God.

He’s back.

I whip around.

_ Damn right I am. _


	2. Back

_Damn right I am._ The squip growled. Okay, so going over to see Michael didn’t seem so bad anymore. When he heard that the squip was back… well at least he’s got Mtn Dew Red I can grab. _And don’t you even think about escaping to Michael’s._ Damnit. I forgot he was in my brain… Oh god what am I gonna do??

 _First order of business, why the hell did you go and dump Christine after all we’ve worked for Jeremy? And for what, that little gay trans boy stoner friend Michael Mell? Honestly, you’re worse than when we started out._ The supercomputer clicked his tongue.

“I love him. He loves me.” I snap back. “Just because the only love YOU experience is when someone takes your pill and gets busy in the shower doesn’t mean I can’t experience love.” I’m practically spitting those last few words.

_No need to get salty Jeremy. We’ll just have to break up with this ‘boyfriend that loves you’ before you realize he DOESN’T love you._

“No… nonono he loves me you… you’re just trying to get to me… get out of my head you asshole.” But I was starting to sound empty even to myself. Did he love me? Was he just using me for some easy slushies and movie dates? No, that’s the squip planting those thoughts… those AREN’T MY THOUGHTS… right?

 _That’s it Jeremy,_ the squip chuckles, _Just go ahead and text Michael. Tell him you want to break up with him. I mean, he WANTS you to reply to his messages with an answer and a breakup fits right into the context. It’s like you knew, deep down, you wanted to dump him._

I reach for my phone. I stop halfway through typing my password. What am I doing?? _Come on Jeremy! Just a few words typed into the phone and sent! It isn’t that hard now, is it?_ I finish my password and punch in a message to Michael. Sent.

**Message from: boyf**

I ignored you because I want to break up with you. It’s that simple Mell.

Jeez. No need to text back by the way I’d rather not talk to you right now.

 _There you go Jeremy. Nice and simple._ The computer purrs. I choke back a sob. Oh my god. “D-did I just…” I manage to croak. _Yes, Jeremy, but the thing is, he wanted to do the same to you and you just beat him to it._ The computer coaxes. I choke back a ragged sob. I can’t believe that. Michael loves me…

_No, he doesn’t._

BING! Wait what was- oh my phone…

**Message from: riend**

Wait, WhAT?!? JEREMY What do you mean??? I… I thought you loved me

I… why jer?? I love you!

“I… but you said…” _Tsk tsk Jeremy. Do you really believe that? You sent the message yourself! And what has Michael ever done for you?_ “He DID save me from YOU the last time you were in my head.” I glare. _Pft, and what did that do for you huh? It got you together with Michael and how did that turn out._ “I… I guess so…” _Good. Now, 30 pushups, you’re deathly out of shape._

**_____________________________________ **

**(MICHAEL'S POV)**

How… why. I’m sobbing on the floor. Why the HELL. There is no way he really means that… “That’s it,” I decide out loud. “I’m going over to his house.” I jog out the door after shoving my red hoodie and a gray binder over my head. I quickly reach my boyfriend- wait ex-boyfriend’s house. I almost fall over on the sidewalk at the thought. I'm going to need to pull myself together before I knock at the door. I take five deep breaths, and pound at the door 4 times. I know that Mr. Heere isn't home so when the door flies open, I know that behind that tear-streaked face, it’s my Jeremy.

“Jer!? Oh god you look horrid!” I fuss over him. I let myself in and usher him into a chair. “When is the last time you’ve eaten?” I demand. He mumbles something I can't hear. “What’s that?” I say more calmly and quietly this time.

“Lunch yesterday?” Jeremy mumbles.

“WHAT?” I practically scream. Knowing my way around the house I quickly whip up some food. Setting it in front of him I grab a blanket from the living room and wrap him up in it. “Eat, I’ll run over to my place and grab you some red.” I dash out the door. Good thing we live close to each other. A minute later I run back inside. I look around and see that Jeremy’s plate is still full and he is nowhere to be seen. How did that happen?

“JER?” I shout. Putting down the bottle of Mtn Dew Red, I dash into Jeremy’s bedroom to find him doing pushups on the floor. The last time he did a pushup out of his own free will… well, he WASN’T quite doing so under his free will. “Jeremy Heere! Get up right this instant!” Jeremy scrambles up and I get a view of how bad his condition REALLY is.

He looks horrid (despite being shirtless). He’s paler than ever and sweating like crazy. He’s sheepishly hiding his arms behind his back. It’s difficult to believe that the trembling, scared looking boy that stood in front of me is the same one that I thought loved me 20 hours ago.

“What on earth is wrong with you?!” I choke on my words trying in vain to keep the pure anguish out of my voice. “You haven’t eaten in hours, you suddenly break up with me, and you’re torturing yourself by doing push ups all the while!!”

“I-uh-well, I don’t love you for one,” I wince at the hollowness in his voice. “and you can’t pretend you care about me either Michael Mitchell Mell.” I stare at him in complete horror.

“Oh, REALLY JEREMY, I come over here and make you food because you haven’t eaten since YESTERDAY, and you’ve got the nerve to break up with me like that and say I don’t care about you!” I feel hot tears pouring down my face, but I don’t care. Jeremy can handle to see how much he’s hurt me if he can say such things. “And in case you GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOURSELF, I’VE BROUGHT OVER SOME MTN DEW RED TO KEEP THAT DAMNED SQUIP AWA-...” I stop abruptly for two reasons. One, I see the look of heartbreak on Jeremy’s face and I can’t remember how to be mad at him. And two, I realize something that I hoped to never face again.

“Jeremy?” I whisper cautiously. “He’s back, isn’t he?”

That’s when my heart breaks more permanently.

That’s when I get an up-close view of the bloody cuts that completely cover Jeremy’s arms.

That’s when I let out a sob that shows I’ve completely broken.

That’s when Jeremy tackles me, and pins me to the ground.


	3. Valentine

**(JEREMY'S POV)**

I tackle Michael and pin him down against the floor. He’s caused me so much pain, that I don’t even flinch at the broken sob that escapes his mouth. Michael struggles against my grip in a desperate attempt at escape.  _ Oh, he’s quite good at feigning heartbreak now isn't he?  _ I can’t help but agree with the voices in my head. I can't believe I ignored them for so long, when they can be so right.

“Jer- you don't have to- do this…” Michael gasps “We can beat- the squip- together!”  _ Don’t listen to him Jeremy, he doesn’t deserve it. All he’s trying to do is get you to drink that shitty beverage and get rid of me! He just wants you for himself again.  _ “Jeremiah Heere.” Michael whispers, his voice barely audible. The pain in his eyes seems so real, that I loosen my grip for a moment out of pure shock. 

That was my biggest mistake. Michael rolls over and kicks me in the chest. I fall backwards and land on the bed. The kick wasn’t done with enough force to hurt me, but merely enough to shock me for a moment as Michael scurried out my bedroom door. 

**_________________________________________________**

**(MICHAEL'S POV)**

I’m running. I leave behind the bottle of Mtn Dew in case Jeremy comes to his senses. I’m running past my house, I’m running to nowhere in particular, and I run into none other than Chloe Valentine. 

“Michael?” Chloe raises an eyebrow. A year ago, I might’ve been afraid to run into Chloe. But after the squip nearly took over, Chloe and I had become notably closer friends. She’d also become a bit more… accepting and modest.

“Michael what- damn, you look like ASS dude! What the hell did you get into?? Wait- is that BLOOD??” Chloe frantically checks me over and grabs a stain remover pen from her purse and rubs it on the new blood stains all over my hoodie. 

“Really, it's not even that noticeable Chlo, it's a red hoodie.” I croak. But of course, it's noticeable to Chloe… 

She puts her hands on her hips and crinkles her nose at me. “That doesn't answer my question Mell. What’s up with you?? Have you been crying??” her eyes widen significantly. “No, on second thought, don’t answer that one, I can tell when someone has been crying their eyes out.”

Now, normally, I’d deny that I was crying at all, but I don't doubt that I still have tears running down my face. “Chloe, I’ve gotta go sorry.” I try to dart around Chloe but she throws out her arm. “Chloe…” I mutter “Let me through…”

“Hmmm, no.” she decides. “Oh, wait… Michael are you on your period?” The tall girl whispers. My face goes red “No!!!” I screech so loudly that I’m sure some people just outside of New Jersey can hear me. 

Chloe throws her hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay!” I take this opportunity to scramble past her and towards the woods. “Hey!!!” she yells to me. “I’m just gonna get the truth outta Jeremy you know!!!” 

“If I were you, I wouldn’t! Trust me!” I throw over my shoulder. She shouts something back but I can’t hear over the wind whistling in my ears. I run to the tallest tree and climb to the highest branch. I sit there and think for a few minutes, then, unable to take it anymore, I let myself slip forward, and off the tree branch. The moment I hit the ground, I black out.

**____________________________________________**

**(JEREMY'S POV)**

I hear a pound at the door and I drop the knife I had been using to make slash marks across my arm. It clatters to the floor splattering the black and white tiles of the bathroom floor with little flecks of my blood.  _ Go on,  _ the squip tells me.  _ Go open the door. It isn't Michael this time.  _ I stagger to the front door and swing it open. Chloe Valentine is standing outside my house, looking murderous. 

She opens her mouth to say something, then her brain seems to reboot. The blonde girl blinks and glances at my arms and chest, soaked in blood and at my pain-wracked face. “Ohh. THAT’S where the blood came from.” she mutters striding inside my house. What is with that today?? Chloe flops down on the couch and motions me to sit next to her. 

“You are going to tell me everything. Now.” she commands. 

“Why should I?” I hiss back.

“Because I want to know why I just saw your boyfriend covered in blood, and clearly in hysterics running down the streets towards the woods.” she glares at me accusingly then her gaze drifts to the table. I see grim understanding spread across her face. “Scratch that.” Chloe snatches up the bottle of Mtn Dew.  _ STOP HER.  _ The squip hisses in my ear. Too late, I realize what he means. Chloe unscrews the cap and forces the red liquid down my throat. My head is screaming in pain. Or is that the squip screaming? Or is it… me? Or Chloe? I can’t tell.

_ VALENTINE! _ I hear the computer screech in my ears. That’s the last thing I remember before I pass out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol that was short, Ik, sorry.


	4. Mahal din kita

**(MICHAEL’S POV)**

My head is pounding. I try to open my eyes but I can’t. I try to remember where I am and what happened. Finally, I remember. I open my eyes successfully the second time and sit upright so quickly my head spins. “Jeremy.” I say aloud. Why did I leave him in his house!?! He’s been cutting himself and that horrid walking floppy disk is controlling him!!!! I look frantically around and somewhere in the back of my mind I realize I must be in a hospital after my suicide attempt. Damn it. I’m never getting out of here on time…

“Oh my god! Michael!” says a female voice to my right. I see both my mom’s running toward me having just entered. “We thought you were gone for good!” sobbed Ina. “They say you are free to go but… oh my god we were terrified Michael.”

“Uh, yeah. Not dead.” I note wincing at the obvious disappointment in my voice. “Have, uh, have either of you heard from Jeremy?” I say not-so-casually. They both shake their heads. “We tried to call him but some girl answered and said she’d come over here but she has to make sure Jeremy doesn't…” mom trailed off “Something about making sure he didn't do any more pushups.” So Chloe had Jeremy more or less under control. Good. 

“Michael,” Ina begins. “Why did you do that? What’s wrong?”

“I- Well Jeremy-” I can’t take this. I try not to, but I let out a dry sob. Sniffling, I tell them everything that happened. By the time I’m finished, they both exchange nervous glances before mom takes a deep breath and says, 

“Michael, we talked to the girl who answered for Jeremy and she was saying the same thing. However, she also said she found a bloodsoaked knife in the bathroom at Jeremy’s house. She said she thought his sweat was what made the blood look so bad but his arms are more raw than she would’ve thought. After we hung up she called the police.” 

I wince and wipe some fresh tears from my face. “Is he okay? Can I see him??”

“It’s funny you should say that…” mom mutters. “He’s in the room across from yours.” I hardly let her finish before I’m out the door and flinging open the door directly across from the one I exited. Jeremy is lying there, looking deadly. Nobody is currently in the room but they’ve stitched up his arms. I scoot to his side and gingerly take his hand, trying not to break down.

“Please please please stay with me Jer. Please.” I whimper. Jeremy groans and shifts under his sheets and I gasp. Letting go of his hand I lean back against the wall and sob with relief. “Michael?” Jeremy mutters sitting up groggily. “Are you here?”

I give a watery laugh. “Yes, I’m here my love. I'm here.” 

“But… I thought you didn’t love me…” he sobs

I scurry over to him and stroke his hair. “Nononono. Never. I didn't throw myself off a tree because I didn't love you.” I kiss his forehead. “But nevermind my stupid angst. How are you feeling?? Do you want me to go grab some more red?” 

“Nah,” Jer croaks. “Chloe barged in and took care of that…” I stared at the ceiling torn between relief and utter dread. How was he going to handle this? What was Jeremy going to say? 

“I'm so sorry.” I whimper. “I can’t believe I didn't stay behind and try harder to help you. I can't believe I let this happen. I'm so sorry. I failed you.” I mean every word of what I say. I’m a wimp and I’ve let my one friend, no, my one love down.

“This is my fault if anyone’s Mikey! You brought the mountain dew over! Without you I’d still be… well, I’d probably have bled out by know to be honest.” Jeremy says this with a confidant tone despite his cracking, restrained voice. 

“I disappointed everyone with my childish attempt to kill myself when things got just a bit difficult for me even though things were worse for everyone else. I didn't see any of YOU falling off trees because they were  _ sad _ .” I don't really know where that all came from, but I feel horrible. How could I have done this to everyone? To my moms. To Chloe. To my Jeremy. 

“Michael Mitchell Mell.” Jeremy’s quiet, desperate tone jolts me out of my thoughts. “You get to feel feelings. Even if those feelings feel like a curse on you and the people around you. You are a brilliant, beautiful person and don't you doubt it for one second. You aren’t a waste of time or space, and you haven't disappointed anyone. Most of all, I love you. Remember that, okay?”

I take comfort in his words don't get me wrong, but this, him comforting me after he practically sliced his own arms into oblivion, isn’t how it should be. I'm just too weak to figure out how to turn the tables and comfort him. Nevertheless, I can't keep telling him these thoughts or he’ll try to comfort me. So I come to the bedside and hold out my arms allowing Jeremy to lean into my embrace. 

“I'm sorry, I'm worried about you so much. I just haven't been there enough for you. But I'm here now Jer-bear. I'm here for you now.”

I keep talking to him like this, and telling him how much he means to me, and how it’ll be okay. Soon he is drifting off to sleep and before he passes out completely, he whispers to me, “Mahal kita, Michael.” I run my hand through his hair gently and whisper back,

“Mahal din kita, Jeremiah. Mahal din kita.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's quite a bit of Fillipino in this. If you don't know I'll save you the google translate vist.  
> Mahal kita is I love you  
> Mahal din kita is I love you too  
> and Ina is mom


End file.
